Muse-Sick

Heart ThRobs

Sunday, 14 June 2009

  • Daddyless Little Girl


    "We of the fatherless tribe love men differently" - Broadway J Baker.
    Reading that today as her AIM status just gave me that push I was needing to talk about this.
    I am not going to talk general about this.. or at least not too general..
    I'm going to talk about my experience, and how I came to realize that above statement was true.
    808 and Heartbreak.
    That's all I can think to sum up my discovery.
    I was in love and happy for quite some time with someone I dated for almost two years.
    He broke up with me.
    It seemed that neither he or I really wanted it, but it was the case.
    The above statement is only important because for the next year and change,
    I would find myself sabotaging any form of emotional growth or self-expansion
    to go back to being with him.. in any way that was made available.
    This is not to say that he is a bad guy...
    this is to say that I was a weak girl.
    The breakup was like a death for me.. I mourned for quite some time.
    But within a month's time.. two months' time..
    I was already finding people who gave me some attention..
    4 months, five months... another two more...
    None of these people were what i wanted..
    none of these people met my standards...
    none of these people were worth my time, really, regardless of their status in life.
    I felt nothing from spending time with them..
    But I knew that somehow I needed it.
    I got into a relationship that I knew was not viable because I wanted attention..
    because I wanted affection, because I wanted love.
    Because I needed the satisfaction of knowing that someone could and would love me.
    It was actually a good relationship.. which I let go of for my ex..
    Knowing it would end in despair.. but needing it because I knew no one loved me more than he.
    I NEEDED it.... to make me feel whole.
    I got into another relationship.. which made me feel good.. made me happy..
    but not enough.. so I ended up going back to my ex...
    "Going back" to a nonexistant home... is pretty much nothing but allowing yourself to be used.
    This was my last phase with going back home to nothing.
    You know... I stopped wanting to be with him long ago..
    I no longer felt passion or chemistry when I was with him..
    And I continued to wonder what my incessant desire to be with him truly was...
    And I realized.. It was not him. It was me.
    It was my desire to be with something I knew I could manipulate as well..
    It was my need to be with someone I knew loved me to no end.
    It was my need to constantly look for someone.. or look in something..
    to satiate that need to feel that I am loved and I am precious..

    They say little girls without daddies become big girls who yearn for love.
    And I always thought that this was an insulting assumption
    until I began to reflect as to why I would want someone I didn't want.
    And this goes beyond the ex... this is all the other guys after our break up
    who were not in my league..
    I began to more than answer my questions.. i faced the truth.
    Little girls who get to be daddy's little girl.. I envy them..
    I constantly wonder what it feels like.. what it would be like..
    But that chance was taken from me...
    I continue to imagine what my household would be like
    if my dad never passed.. how strict he would probably be on me..
    how strict he would be about boys..
    how much he would've instilled in me that I'm above what any guy thinks he can give me...
    How much he would've given me security...
    Confidence...
    Love.. "Daddy's love"...
    These males were men who I gained attention from..
    and it made me feel special..
    and I couldn't deal with feeling "unloved"...
    I turned my attention to people who would give me it...
    The thing is.. I'd like to think that if I had had that love...
    no breakup... especially as civil as the one i endured
    would've ever made me feel so unloved...
    It would've been "his loss"
    and I see confident women out there who say things like that
    who believe it... even if not at the time of saying it.. soon enough they do.

    I further looked into my relationship with my ex..
    and I realized that he was like a Daddy figure for me..
    I made our relationship so..
    I asked him to control the things I do..
    He called me his "Princess" and kissed me on the forehead..
    It was almost always I told all and he said little...
    I wanted to do whatever on God's green earth would make him happy.
    I made him the authority in our relationship..
    and that's what I asked for.. that's what I wanted..
    and it took me up until probably last month to realize that..
    The thought almost sickens me now lol,
    but it doesn't change that there is something attractive
    about the somewhat domineering male... for me..
    and for most women of this 'tribe'...

    It is a hard fight.. to let go of men who fill a void..
    It is a harder fight to be the Daddy you never had
    and instill in yourself that you are the best, the loved, a catch, his loss...
    But inevitably... there hits a point in your life.. that fork in the road..
    where you realize that enough is enough..
    that you are fed up selling yourself short and not loving yourself enough..
    and when no amount of a man or a relationship will make you feel the love you're not giving yourself..
    Don't doubt you deserve love.. doubt the person you give love to...
    Don't doubt that you are loved.. doubt the person who says you don't deserve it..
    Take each day to realize your worth and realize...
    everyone in your presence is lucky to be there..
    it is beautiful to be humble..
    it is ugly to be pitiful.

    I can say that I have grown alot from acknowledging my issues..
    and although I don't want to go back to having a daddy for a boyfriend..
    the type of love I feel for males (that I care about) is somewhat one
    I still have to work on..
    I think that the love I felt in the past was at an unhealthily high level
    leaving me in despair after the break up..
    but I've grown alot since and I am fine with my own love..
    getting extra love is just a plus..
    Giving love however, that's something I work on diluting, for lack of better words...
    And I think..
    I think I'm actually doing just fine.

    Daddy's little girl is just another term for being spoiled and protected..
    Spoil and protect yourself... You have a right..
    You should love yourself enough to do that.

    Niki I.

Monday, 01 June 2009

  • Good Boyfriend's Luck Parte Deux

    SO luck Was talking to an asshole yesterday, sorry, for lack of better word.
    Not a general asshole, although he comes close,
    but an asshole lover/boyfriend/dater.
    He had such a shitty (also for lack of better word) POV of love and relationships
    that it gave me a new appreciation for this "Luck" that I have been dubbed with.
    It isn't that the guys I meet are all great bfs...I've met plenty of A-holes.
    It's that I am able to not give those guys my heart or effort or attention.
    And it's not that the boyfriends I have are so great, no offense..
    I mean they are, but not in the sense one initially imagines
    They are RELATIVELY great.. meaning that the rest of the male species
    are not living up to their potential.. and those who are, are more attractive
    and "Good" Boyfriends.
    The asshole I talked to made me realize how much maturity is required for
    a REAL relationship. A relationship requires a person to be happy within
    and secure and ready to indulge into a relationship with a goal/purpose.
    Not an objective. A goal.
    Objectives are short term, and that tends to be what daters tend to have.
    I define daters as people who have the same bf/gf title but are not in a real relationship.
    Daters tend to be young people *HEYYYY!* who just want a lil fun,
    to have someone to spend time with and be happy with...
    and GET. That's the funnest part of dating..
    Getting who you want. That is the objective...
    and what is to happen past that is usually not on the mind.
    Relationship people have a goal of finding their future partner in this relationship.
    They make choices based on future plans
    and make serious plans and choices based on
    what they want for themselves and their relationship in the future
    Mature relationships are tended to as plants with intentions of blossoming in the future.
    With daters.. it's more of a.. I water the plant when I feel like it,
    When it looks good, when I feel good, or when it doesn't look so good.
    Plants need to be tended to daily however.. and with more than just water....

    Any guy who is able to mature out of boyhood can be a good boyfriend.
    But what makes a GREAT boyfriend???
    A GREAT Boyfriend is a boyfriend who understands what a relationship is
    Understands himself.. Is mature enough for a relationship..
    and is ABLE to treat his significant other (SO) as HE wants to be treated.
    He is able to not be selfish and also not be too selfless as to lose himself in his love.
    He is able to COMMUNICATE his feelings when necessary
    and simply communicate with his SO as that is the foundation of a relationship.
    He is able to PRIORITIZE his relationship and manage to balance his work,Pon-and-Zi-pon-and-zi-azuzephre-cartoon
    social, and individual life.
    He is honest, tells the hardest truths, tells what's in his heart
    and is willing to learn and grow... not necessarily change.. but grow.

    Do I have "Good Boyfriend" Luck.. yes, I have had this. 
    I have been lucky to date males who matured out of boyhood.
    But have I had Great Boyfriend Luck?
    I think I do now.
    I think I have one now.
    He's my man. He's my partner. And I love him.
    Lucky...     
    I certainly am.

                                                                          Niki I.

Thursday, 09 April 2009

  • Heart Tug of War

    tugofwar "This time was different; felt like I was just a victim, and it cut me like a knife
    when you walked out of my life... Now I'm in this position, and I've got all the symptoms
    of a girl with a broken heart, but no matter what you'll never see me cry" - Rihanna

    For some reason that song is totally hitting home for me today..
    And it's not because I've been recently heartbroken.
    I haven't.
    But I was heartbroken by the infamous -A- in my life.
    I've spent so much of my heart on him,
    my heart and soul died when we broke up.
    And in the back of my mind I always reserved a place for him
    if ever there were a chance.. for him to want me back.
    But now, I've grown beyond that.
    I don't want him anymore.
    I've actually found love... a love that I am happy with!
    But it has come to a point where I can feel
    that my soul has to make a decision.
    Should I stay or should I go?
    It's hard to be a victim of the heart,
    and not become attached to the one who broke it...
    and when you are emancipated from that grip..
    it's truly a decision...
    A decision of breaking from a delusion of grandeur..
    Of what could be one day if you just hold on and wait.
    That's also the thing.
    I've spent so much of my heart, soul, and mind believing
    that he and I are meant to be. And I will be leaving that too.
    Do I want to leave behind a belief system that I have always believed true?
    Where does that leave me?
    The thing about that belief is that no matter what happens,
    I could always be positive and say, "in the end..."
    But this is the end.
    I genuinely feel that letting go now means it is over..
    and if you know me, you know it's hard for me to let go.
    I know what I have to do internally..
    I'm just afraid to do it..
    I'm afraid to officially move on.
    Do I let go of this love that my soul has grown accustomed to,
    for the love of a new?
    Or do I hold on to what was for the love and fear of what may be?

Monday, 30 March 2009

  • The "Good Boyfriends" Luck

    I remember when my homie Jas said that about me..
    "Not everyone's like you, you know with the 'good boyfriends' luck."
    Apparently I tend to have the best luck finding great guys.
    And I wonder.. How lucky is that?
    I haven't kept any one of them!
    LOL.. I have such luck finding great guys..
    yet no luck yet in keeping one for good..
    Yes, I have some for long, but you can imagine the heartbreak
    that comes with letting go of someone you think is so great.
    So now I am single...
    Single and content.
    Boyfriendless but not alone....
    Another point to this "luck" I seem to have.
    It's possible that I'm not so picky,
    It's possible that I'm not so hard to please,
    low maintenance.
    It's possible that I have a gift in seeing the good in these guys
    that so many have little luck seeing.
    Perhaps the potential is more evident to me
    than it is to other females.
    Or perhaps, I just look for something different,
    more fulfilling and when I find it,
    I make sure not to let go. I don't play cat and mouse games.
    I'm a just get it over with and set the mousetrap type girl.
    Seize and conquer baby!
    Perhaps...
    I might just be a "great girlfriend".
    What if it's not luck I have?
    Might I just a great girl to be around?
    They say a good woman has the power to
    bring the best out of an already great man.
    Maybe my approach is different..
    Maybe my heart is more open.
    Maybe my soul is more understanding.
    Maybe...
    I didn't have the best boyfriend luck always.
    I can say that I have had the luxury of toxic waste.
    I can say that the "luck" is sometimes fool's gold.
    I have been a fool.
    I have played my cards with jokers parading as kings,
    parading as Jacks, but didn't really know jack..
    about me, about them.
    I've definitely been burned, hurt, by so called "good" guys..
    But maybe, I don't let that destroy me,
    Burns leave marks, but one can still live.
    I choose to live my life, and love what I live...
    Cuz no one can ever live it like me or as me.
    Niki I.
    PS. Luck runs out anyway.

Saturday, 28 March 2009

  • Hold On To Your Love.... No, Youth


    I was watching Oprah last night... this morning actually
    And it was recommended that no one get married before 30...
    After hearing Steve Harvey speak.. I must say,
    I agree..
    Your 20s are when you're still finding yourself
    Your 30s are when you've decided who you are
    and thus are ready to decide what you want
    in a person you intend to
    spend the rest of your life with.
    People are so in love with the idea of the wedding part
    of marriage, that they get caught up in that glamour.
    But that is just a day..
    and as you get older, hopefully your finances will get
    even better so that you may have the wedding of your dreams
    with the man/woman of your dreams!

    I am no expert on marriage,
    but I think that I have been in a long enough relationship
    to know that in a deep, close, intimate relationship,
    you somewhat lose yourself.
    You lose some of your individual definition
    because you begin to define yourself with each other..
    That's your "other half"..
    The choices you make are often based on how your SO will feel
    how your SO will react...
    It's not always with true consideration of what YOU want...
    because you cannot imagine what your answer would be minus him
    Whether your choice would be different.... is as unknown as tomorrow.
    Each choice that you make as a result of your relationship,
    is one less choice that you make for yourself as an individual..
    And in your 20s.. it is time for growth.. to find the you you dream to be..
    to become the person you claim to be...
    A relationship stifles that growth because there is less thought about
    what "Me" wants and more thought about what "We", "She", "He" wants.
    This is sometimes the death of a relationship by the 30s...
    You've finally grown into the person that you will be for the rest of your life
    pretty much... and often times, so did your SO..
    and sometimes the changes in each are so different..
    that you two are no longer what each want...
    What you may expect from a relationship in your 20s
    may be little to what you need from a relationship in your 30s
    and what your SO was able to do for you sufficed then,
    but doesn't now.
    You may need someone to simply talk to, make you laugh,
    take you out, tell you that you're beautiful, etc. when your 20
    and at 30, you may need someone who wants a family,
    who can not talk, who knows when to not laugh, can handle finances,
    has ambition, goals, a career, is established, is DEFINED.

    Priorities, expectations, perceptions, needs, goals, likes/dislikes, life, all change
    and yes it's great when you can grow with your SO
    into the people that you will be...
    But don't let fear of losing that person keep you from
    exploring who you want to be...
    Who you might be without them...
    It is worse to not grow into your own person,
    but rather into the person you will be
    as a result of being with them.
    If you love something let it go, they say...
    If it comes back, it's yours...
    If you're meant to be.... you will be..
    Eventually, inevitably.

    Niki I

Monday, 23 March 2009

  • March For Babies!

    March of Dimes.premature baby pic
    Hi every and anyone!
    Last year, I participated in raising money as well as walking for March of Dimes, now known as March for Babies.

    This is my second time participating in March for Babies. It was a wonderful experience for me last year to raise money for such a great cause and also to walk with it. Last time, I walked alone, but not lonely as I walked strong, tall, and proud for those who donated. Hopefully, you can help be my strength this year with your donations! Join me in helping mothers and babies nationwide have healthy births!

    Please help with your donations! A dollar is much appreciated! You're helping to better a life and hopefully, even more.
    www.marchforbabies.org/ainicolas
    Lend a hand to the babies who need your support.

  • Gerber I Pledge Widget

    I just posted this Gerber I Pledge widget for 250 credits. You can earn free credits too!

Sunday, 01 March 2009

  • Theme Song


    "I'm going to let you go so I can be free"
    My theme song for this... well, I'm not sure how long
    because it depends for how long I need it..
    But this song is pretty much exactly how I feel
    and want to think...
    It sucks when you realize that someone you love,
    is demolishing your soul.
    "Thought I couldn't live without you, It's gonna hurt when it heals too"
    It's time to let go until he's ready to help build me.
    "Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile because I deserve to"
    Better in time - Leona Lewis.
    Here are the lyrics.

    It's been the longest winter without you
    I didn't know where to turn to
    See somehow I can't forget you
    After all that we've been through

    Going coming thought I heard a knock
    Who's there no one
    Thinking that I deserve it
    Now I realize that I really didn't know
    If you didn't notice you mean everything
    Quickly I'm learning to love again
    All I know is I'mma be ok

    [Chorus:]
    Thought I couldn't live without you
    It's gonna hurt when it heals too
    It'll all get better in time
    Even though I really love you
    I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
    It'll all get better in time

    I couldn't turn on the TV
    Without something there to remind me
    Was it all that easy
    To just put aside your feelings

    If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
    Hurt my feelings but that's the path
    I'll believe in
    And I know time will heal it
    If you didn't notice boy you mean everything
    Quickly I'm learning to love again
    All I know is I'mma be ok

    [Chorus:]
    Thought I couldn't live without you
    It's gonna hurt when it heals too
    It'll all get better in time
    Even though I really love you
    I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
    It'll all get better in time

    Since there's no more you and me
    It's time I let you go
    So I can be free
    And live my life how it should be
    No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
    Yes I will

    [Chorus: x2]
    Thought I couldn't live without you
    It's gonna hurt when it heals too
    It'll all get better in time
    Even though I really love you
    I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
    It'll all get better in time

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

  • Twofer


    What's a 'twofer'? Well it's a shorthand for two-for-one deals.
    But this is datingish so I'm talking about having two guys (or girls)
    of interest who in combination would make the ideal significant other (SO)..
    Or in my case, as I like them separate, a twofer can be two guys in separate locations
    whom you devote your time to when in their respective locations.
    Now I've experienced the first 'twofer' before but
    I genuinely believe that needing to merge 2 people
    to make one good enough person
    is a red flag that there is a better one person out there.
    Lose the twos.
    Because they alone are obviously not enough to satisfy you as one person.
    Believe me I have been burned so much by others that I genuinely believed
    that twofers would be necessary for my happiness... But one good person
    made me realize that twofers are actually a sign that you're not happy
    and that neither persons are good for you in the long run...

    Now for 'twofer' number two.
    Two for the desire of one feeling,
    that feeling being joy
    Two persons for the comfort of one
    That 'one' being me.
    Person A is in NYC
    Person B is in LI
    I live in both areas...
    When I'm in NYC I am completely devoted
    and head over heels
    excited to be with person A.
    Same goes with person B in LI.
    Person A however takes precedent. So when Person A visits LI,
    Person B takes a backseat.
    Person A was first and has more history.
    Person B was most recent and the chemistry remains.
    Is it a matter of loneliness or is a matter of greed?
    A friend told me that Person B is just the LI Person A...
    though they are not alike, the feelings I get from both are quite similar.
    Person A takes precedent over Person B...
    so if ever given a choice, I would be solely with Person A.
    It would be hard, but I would do it.
    But I don't have that choice...
    so I just get to casually date both..
    Although I could have and be in a relationship with Person B,
    it would be impossible for me to give up person A
    and so I don't go there..
    but is my motive loneliness or greed?
    I don't know anymore... You tell me
    Dating two people is a definite balancing act...
    Especially when there's strong feelings involved for both.
    Im in love with one...
    And I really love another..
    what do I do?

    Have you participated in a 'twofer'?
    In what way?
    Do you believe in a 'twofer''?
    What/which type?

                                                                        Niki I.

Sunday, 11 January 2009

  • My Scariest Nightmare - The Uninvited Contest

    Ummm my scariest nightmare:
    Shucks that is hard to remember...
    Oh, actually, there was one rather recently,
    but it's not in the terms of scary as one would ordinarily think.
    It was a nightmare for ME though.
    I was spending time with my  (at the time) current boyfriend when my ex walked in...
    I don't recall whether or not he was expected,
    but I know I was uncomfortable with his presence...
    He had come there to talk to me about some shindig he invited me to.
    My ex was also irritated and walked out of the room to let me speak to him alone..
    I told my ex that I didnt think it made sense for me to go
    because he's my ex, and both my boyfriend and I would be uncomfortable
    about me going... he proceeds to start yelling..
    saying that he and I are friends before anything...
    I put my relationship before his friendship...
    he thought we had something..
    He wanted me to be there and as a friend I owe it to him that I do..
    I'm being inconsiderate... I just met this other dude..
    I don't really care about him... just fukitol (F it all)!
    [He was crying as he was saying all of this..
    the crying adds to why it's a nightmare because it made me more uncomfortable
    and seemed so unrealistic... well not really... well in this case, yeah
    i.e. it was an unreasonably extreme case...
    seemed like he was overly emotional about something so small.]
    And he like ran out of the room...
    saying f it he's gone, leaving me alone..
    and then i told him to wait... but he didnt of course..
    And I ran after him...
    I left my bf wherever he had been to run after my ex..
    and that to me was nightmarish..
    because:
    1. i didnt run after him when i was with him, so I wudn't now..
    plus I don't run after anyone. It's one of those lessons learned..
    2. Running after him implied that i cared about him...
    enough even to leave my bf behind.. and we already know that
    I don't run after anyone.. so to run after my ex when i don't ordinarily
    run after a person meant that I cared more than i could ever imagine..

    Well that dream left me uncomfortable..
    Definitely nightmarish for me... Though I like to keep my exes close
    I always to have the fear of a bf and an ex butting heads..
    (and it's come close a few times)
    And to have to make a choice between a past and present to define
    my future is difficult for me...
    And it was just such an atypical reaction from he and I!
    I was freaked out because I wondered... is this really how I feel?
    How do I feel? How much do I really care about this boy?

    I just blogged about my scariest nightmare to enter The Uninvited Scariest Nightmare Contest for 1,000 credits. You can earn free credits too! Brought to you by The Uninvited - In Theaters January 30th.

chameleon121

  • Visit chameleon121's Datingish Site
    • Name: Abi
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 12/31/2008

About Me

  • I am self-reflective... There's so much emotions that I go through.. all for the sake of love. I already have a xanga blog, but now I would like to focus my emotionships of relations into one blog.. so here goes!

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