Thursday, 09 April 2009

• Heart Tug of War

  "This time was different; felt like I was just a victim, and it cut me like a knife
  when you walked out of my life... Now I'm in this position, and I've got all the symptoms
  of a girl with a broken heart, but no matter what you'll never see me cry" - Rihanna
  
  For some reason that song is totally hitting home for me today..
  And it's not because I've been recently heartbroken.
  I haven't.
  But I was heartbroken by the infamous -A- in my life.
  I've spent so much of my heart on him,
  my heart and soul died when we broke up.
  And in the back of my mind I always reserved a place for him
  if ever there were a chance.. for him to want me back.
  But now, I've grown beyond that.
  I don't want him anymore.
  I've actually found love... a love that I am happy with!
  But it has come to a point where I can feel
  that my soul has to make a decision.
  Should I stay or should I go?
  It's hard to be a victim of the heart,
  and not become attached to the one who broke it...
  and when you are emancipated from that grip..
  it's truly a decision...
  A decision of breaking from a delusion of grandeur..
  Of what could be one day if you just hold on and wait.
  That's also the thing.
  I've spent so much of my heart, soul, and mind believing
  that he and I are meant to be. And I will be leaving that too.
  Do I want to leave behind a belief system that I have always believed true?
  Where does that leave me?
  The thing about that belief is that no matter what happens,
  I could always be positive and say, "in the end..."
  But this is the end.
  I genuinely feel that letting go now means it is over..
  and if you know me, you know it's hard for me to let go.
  I know what I have to do internally..
  I'm just afraid to do it..
  I'm afraid to officially move on.
  Do I let go of this love that my soul has grown accustomed to,
  for the love of a new?
  Or do I hold on to what was for the love and fear of what may be?
  

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